Hop, Drop, and Roll

When you look back at these blog posts, there seem to be some common themes that come up when I travel. One of them, you may have noticed, is food. I can certainly go on and on about vegetables, no matter what country I am living in. The other, seems to be falling, tripping, and any variation on acrobatics and actions that cause injury. This week of training with the dogs will help add another post to that category in particular.

To dispel any concern that I have been gravely injured right of the bat, fear not, I still have all my fingers and toes and my bones are in the right amount of pieces. Mostly this week of falling has been a great learning experience that I would like to impart upon you for your future adventures.

Lesson #1: How to Jump Onto a Moving ATV

1)   As the ATV comes towards you, try to visualize exactly where you are going to put some important parts of your body. Obviously you need a hand hold (two are nice, but one will suffice in a pinch), and also somewhere for your legs (again, with at least one leg on, usually you can haul the other one up eventually). Don’t forget though, your torso and your butt are not only important, they are heavy, and a real pain to try to maneuver against the opposite force of the vehicle barreling forward. Your head? Well, not so important, but to avoid looking like Arwen in Lord of the Rings when she is fleeing the Nazgul (that’s right, LOTR nerdom), try to keep it in the square footage provided to you by the ATV, not hanging past, a ready victim for tree branch whipping.

2)   Now that you have visualized all that in a few split seconds, the ATV should basically be hitting you by now, so just let it, and scramble for what you imagined to be the best position just moments ago.

3)    If for some reason, you failed to appropriately actualize your visualization and you find yourself grasping the back of the ATV and running behind it, DON’T STOP RUNNING. Keep moving your snow boot, layer laden legs and use your arm strength to try and pull yourself up until the driver finally stops saying  “You need to get on!” and actually stops the vehicle.

4)    If you get spooked by such a harrowing experience, the next time you have to jump onto the moving ATV, forget all of the visualization crap from step one, and just do a belly-flop onto the back, wrangling the rest of your limbs on gradually as you fly through the forest.

Now, you may find yourself so good at this first lesson, that you get cocky. If you ever get the chance to hop onto the back of the ATV when it isn’t moving, you will think you are so cool and strong that you don’t even need to hold on. That brings us to the next lesson.

Lesson #2: How to Fall Off a Moving ATV, or “Hop, Drop, and Roll”

1)   You have now cockily hopped onto the back of the ATV, but find yourself suddenly thrown off by the force of it starting to move forward. DO NOT try to break your fall. If you have ever had a friend break the wrist trying to catch their fall, you know that it wasn’t the fall that broke their wrist; it was the act of trying to catch themselves that did the most damage.

2)   Now that you are dropping, tuck your head to your chest and arms to your chest like a swaddled baby. If you feel so inclined, to complete the baby image, you can even give a little cry for your mama at this point of the lesson. 

3)   Once you hit the ground, simply roll until you come to a complete stop.

4)   Stand up, do a quick open-palmed check of major bones and breakable parts.

5)   Brush yourself off, and start running to catch up with your ATV and its driver, who may or may not have realized that you fell off until he is ¾ of a mile down the trail. Don’t get mad though, because just think of all of the great cardio work you are doing, running down a dirt trail in rubber boots and enough layers to make the Michelin Man look like he is on Spring Break in Cabo.

            At this point, I feel that you are all sufficiently prepared to both jump on and fall of an ATV.                   Good luck and stay safe...

And now! A new game! Get ready to play "Nature or Not?", the new game that is all the rage (as much as Fantasy Dog Team Drafts) where you try to decide if something has come from the realm of nature or from some other artificial place.

First picture: Snow in October....Natural or no??

If you are stuck, don't use me for your phone a friend because this desert kid has nooooo idea.

 Picture Two: Fog that eats all of the lake outside your house. Nature or something more devious?

Again, my guess would be nature, but if you have ever watched any movie with fog ever, this may lead you to be more suspicious.

Numero Three: A 33-inch stuffed moose from Costco. Nature or not??

Tricky, I know because mooses are natural, but are massive stuffed animals. At my house at home, you might find 2 33-inch stuffed bears and one 33-inch stuffed dog, (99 inches of fluff on the couch, 99 inches of fluff...) so naturally my question when I happened upon this moose was how can I ship this home??

Number Quatro: These overly friendly birds called grey jays.

This seems easy, BUT there is a catch. While these birds are so friendly that they will practically eat raisins and almonds right out of your hands, they also come and eat the chicken skin and ground turkey that we feed the dogs, leading me to believe that they are actually cannablistic mutants. 

Picture 5: "Coffee Whitener"...not creamer, whitener. Nature or not?

This has to be the worst generic name for a product I have ever seen, Quebec. Even the French..."coffee colorer" is pretty rough.

How did you do?

For the honor and glory.